It must be done.

It just won't go away. Every second, it seems to get closer and closer. By now, you know what I mean. A few minutes ago, fate seemed to screw me one more time. As it turns out, the book I need for Modern Europe (which by tomorrow afternoon I will have funds for) I won't be able to get. Why? Bookstore will be closed for inventory. Just my luck. Meaning my paper will be even more late, dropping my grade further. So I have decided to drop the course. All I need are the needed signatures, and on top of that, $15 to drop it. Which I actually have. Damn, makes me realize even more how and where the college can invade the wallet. Paying to register...paying to drop. Brilliant system. And they want to raise tuition...fuck it. I've also decided that next year I will be taking the year off. This year has been total hell on the financial front, and I'm even amazed I've been here this long. So...for that year I plan to work and earn money, and hopefully have enough by then to head back to college. Mind you, it won't be back at NP, but one closer to Cape Cod. It'll also give my parents time to put away money. I hate to do it...but it must be done. An RA position may be some help, but...I mean, I didn't have a desire for the position at all. Primarily the only thing that interested me about it was free room and board. I also need time away, time to think, time to compose myself. I won't be dropping out of college...just a leave of absence to build myself back up again. For the first time in my life, though...I may have to consider failure an option, yet driving my self-esteem level even further into the ground. It hurts, deeply, considering failure was never an option. Now I'm faced with hurdle after hurdle, and for the last few months, I've been lucky. As I mentioned in the last post, this loan I'm working on will make or break me. The rest of this semester...all hinges upon it.

My time and energy are becoming drained.

Wish me luck.

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The cloud looms...the sky darkens.

Woke up at 9, as is the usual custom. Went to breakfast, then Comp 2. After class, headed to my dorm where I called my home, and talked to Rob for a bit, talked to Bob. After that, reality came and slapped me, slapped me hard in the face. As some or all of you know, I'm working on trying to get a private loan that'll keep me here for the semester. If it goes through, then all is good. If not...then it's only a matter of days before I pack my shit and go home, depressed, angry, a failure. That was what punched me in the face. And as I look...time is not on my side. Time is rapidly running out, and I look helplessly for anything. Reality may come as a giant blow to me. I'll find out in a few days. Wish me luck. As of now, this is the closest I've come to deregistration. Several times, I've dodged the bullet, barely. Will I be able to pull another Matrix move and have it just miss me once more, or will it pierce the fibers of my heart and mind, leaving me an emotional wreck, lying in a pool of torn emotions and salty tears? Once again, I must face the dollar head-on. Oi. Who will win this time? So far, I've won the battles, but will it win the war? Oi...my mind. My head.

So, as a result of this possible deregistration once more, I have begun to look at colleges in Massachusetts, and 3 look promising: UMass Boston, UMass Dartmouth, Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts. Will I be here next year? More likely not. So, I must get started now. Oi. Another day in the life. Talking to Sarah now...she's done a bit to lift me. Still, this funk drags me down. I mean, I have a paper due in Modern Europe which I can't do because I don't have the textbook needed. It'll end up being 2 days late, for Friday I will have the funds to get it. (sigh) Why? I don't know. I hope things start looking up, for I hate being stressed. I will attempt sleep...and having 4 classes tomorrow doesn't help me. Friday...work...too much.

Nighty night.