Out of despair and anguish.

First of all...I do apologize for the worry I caused you with my last post. I was going through something I hope to never experience again, and now I've pretty much bounced back to my normal, happy me. Now, the explanation of the weekend, my state of mind.

It took one month's time, but reality gave me the biggest slap of my life, and I couldn't handle it. For the entire time I've been with April, I still had...still have strong feelings for Sarah. Even though we loved each other, we made it clear that we shouldn't have felt bound to each other, for we were 1500 miles apart, and that possibility of us finding someone was real. Even so, both of us grew very attached to each other, and as you know from my entries, I spent many nights online with her, online, and phone till dawn, going through at times 2 cell phone batteries a night. When I found April, I knew I had to tell Sarah...I had to do the right thing, and it did hurt. I cried several times, for the knowledge that I broke my best friend's heart and couldn't be with her took a heavy toll on my mind. I thought I had lost probably the finest friend anyone could ever have. Eventually, those feelings of sadness and anguish, even regret, faded away, and even though Sarah and I couldn't do what we used to do, we tried to move on. Well...it didn't happen. For the last month, life proceeded as normal, and we both came to realize that we couldn't stuff our feelings with each other. Even while at home, I was on the phone with Sarah for hours into the night. And through our interactions, we wanted for things to go back to the way they were, before I met April. Last Friday, we realized that it couldn't go back to the way things were, for both of us would feel guilty, and reality slapped us both, for we both still longed for each other, wanted to be physically with each other. And I was torn...torn between two people whom I love dearly, people who I care for more than anyone. When we came to this realization, I saw Sarah break down to tears on her cam. And all those feelings I felt a month ago returned with a major vengeance, stronger than ever, as if reality was finally sinking in now. Once again, I broke my best friend's heart, and I couldn't sleep that night. Yesterday, those feelings, sadness, anguish, loss, despair, knowing that I couldn't be with Sarah, knowing that I broke her heart, followed me to work, and I used all my willpower not to break down at work. Several times, the tears welled up, but I held them back. I knew I had to talk to April. I turned the CD player on in the car, and James Taylor was playing...and the first tears rolled down my cheeks, to which no one saw. When I arrived home, I put in a CD of James Taylor to try to relax me, and when I again heard the somewhat sad melody of "Sweet Baby James," the tears began, and for about 20 minutes, I fell into a sob, burying my face into my pillow to muffle my crying so no one would hear me. I called April and told her everything, letting all of my thoughts and emotions out, and she was very understanding about it all, listening to me cry over the phone, and she too was silent, speaking in quiet tones, sad that I was in so much pain. She told me that I was "a sensitive, loving person," and reassured me that she was not letting me go. Talking to her made me feel better, the entire month's bottled-up emotions pouring out, fading away to nothing, making me feel like a massive weight was lifted from me. I wanted very badly to talk to Sarah last night, but...last Friday, I was online until after 4 AM, trying not to cry, not wanting to leave Sarah sad. However, my clacking on the keyboard kept my grandma up, and she, like me, got little sleep. So, as per Grandma's request, I was not online or on the phone last night. Now I hope to talk to her tonight.

Today...woke up actually feeling good, the previous night's talk to April a lift for my mind. At work today, on my break, I did much thinking, thinking about Sarah, and...Sarah...I'm sorry for making you worry. During my break, I came to the realization that...and this is gonna sound totally depressing and wrong...I have to let that "attachment" part of me go. I have to move on, for the sake of both of us. I do not want to cause any more despair. Sarah, you are the finest friend anyone could ask for, and I can't wait for the day we finally see each other. I hope we never, ever, lose touch with each other. No matter what happens, I will still love you. I hope you find a man who will treat you with the same respect and love as I would. I hope he loves you as much as I do. (hugs you tight)