What a tangled web we weave...

Well, I must say...this is probably the first shitty day I've had in a long time. It went skidding downhill from when I found out I was denied for a loan. I find myself depressed, pissed, panicked, and curious as to why I was denied. I fit all the criteria, I don't have any bad credit that I know of...so why? They sent a letter to my house, and when I find out why, I'll see if I can take steps to rectify that. If it was for something stupid, I'll be livid. So, once again, for the third time now, the threat of me heading back to that mental ward I call my house becomes more and more real. This can't go on. I can't go through every semester fearing that I'll be kicked out of college for not being able to pay. I'm tired of it--it's physically and emotionally draining. I mean, I've been very lucky. The question is, will the luck happen again? My stepdad told me last summer that he never expected me to go the whole year at NP--that I'd come back home after a short time there. Well, I proved him wrong. Can I do it again here? Or will I go home, my pride wounded, head bowed in shame? I know what'll happen when I go home--I'll be what I was for the whole summer--miserable. Miserable in that I'll have to deal with all those people again, that I'll have to work only to give much of my money to my house, that I'll only get to see my April once a month, at best. I mean, I love my family dearly...but I couldn't deal with them until summer--not without snapping and taking the lives of those kids. Last summer, I was miserable--except when I was with April, Dan, Jackie, and Sarah. I was me again.

I am determined--I'm not giving up. I went to Financial Aid today, and I was told I'd have to speak to a woman named Denise, who'll be in tomorrow. I'll chat with her to see how I can get rid of that bill. Damn Bush and his pouring our money into the military. I envy those people who come from well-to-do houses, who can afford to put their kids through school, the kids not having to worry about working to pay for their own education, who still get money from their parents. Nothing against them, of course...but when I hear of it, I wanna punch him or her in the face.

Had I known that I'd be on this crazy financial joyride every semester, I'd reconsider going to college. Will my dream of finishing college, working to become a writer slip through my hands?

I'll have some answers, tomorrow. Until then, I'll attempt sleep.

Nighty night, all.