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Fear and loathing in...not Vegas.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009 21:50Well, nervousness more so than fear.
Tomorrow is a big day for me. Tomorrow I go to Sage College not only for Orientation, but for my portfolio review. The outcome will determine if I get into the the degree program I seek (Bachelor of Fine Arts, concentration in Photography), or not. If not, then I will be placed on what the college calls "academic exploration." For those who hate euphemisms, as the late, great, George Carlin did, academic exploration is just a fancy term for saying "undeclared" or "undecided major." Basically, if I don't pass the review, I get put into an undecided status, which will allow me to take the required pre-requisite art courses like drawing, Photo 1 and 2, and so on, with the intent of submitting a portfolio again, hopefully bigger and better. Either way, it's a good thing. While getting into the B.F.A. program will be great, falling into undecided status and taking pre-requisites won't be bad either, as I never took said courses in college anyway.
And because it's a big day, I'm nervous as hell. My mental state is currently between two states of nervousness. The first is the good nervousness, which is basically a result of this portfolio review. It's the type of nervousness you get when you're going for a job interview, be it for a new place or a promotion, or the nervousness you get when you're about to do a show. That's all well and good, as this is essentially an interview. I'm going to be evaluated on my artistic merit, and to see if I'm good enough to be admitted to the degree program. I feel pretty confident in the images I will be presenting. I will also be bringing copies of the things I've been published in thus far...like the two issues of New England Runner for my work during the annual 15K Stockadeathon.
The other is the bad nervousness, the anxiety and the recollection of my last two adventures in college, and what happened. The worry over money. The reason why I left college. Twice. I couldn't afford it. It was the dollar figure that stopped me dead in my tracks and forced me to go away. Yes, I am only taking TWO courses. Yes, CSEA (Civil Service Employees' Association, the labor union I am a part of due to being a State employee) is paying my tuition for these courses, which means I'll have to pay for the fees and textbooks (which, depending on the final cost, can be manageable). Yes, it's not as bad as it could be, certainly not as bad as it was when I was going to school full-time and actually residing there, but the old fear is still there, irrational as it is--the fear that history's going to repeat itself and once more, I'll be forced to leave college for lack of funds. For once, I'd like to go to school and not think about it. So we'll see what happens.
I suspect that tomorrow, I'll be too busy with orientation and the portfolio to think about dollars, so there's that. And once I see that dollar figure go to 0, I can relax.
But in the meantime, wish me luck. I'll let y'all know the outcome.
Tomorrow is a big day for me. Tomorrow I go to Sage College not only for Orientation, but for my portfolio review. The outcome will determine if I get into the the degree program I seek (Bachelor of Fine Arts, concentration in Photography), or not. If not, then I will be placed on what the college calls "academic exploration." For those who hate euphemisms, as the late, great, George Carlin did, academic exploration is just a fancy term for saying "undeclared" or "undecided major." Basically, if I don't pass the review, I get put into an undecided status, which will allow me to take the required pre-requisite art courses like drawing, Photo 1 and 2, and so on, with the intent of submitting a portfolio again, hopefully bigger and better. Either way, it's a good thing. While getting into the B.F.A. program will be great, falling into undecided status and taking pre-requisites won't be bad either, as I never took said courses in college anyway.
And because it's a big day, I'm nervous as hell. My mental state is currently between two states of nervousness. The first is the good nervousness, which is basically a result of this portfolio review. It's the type of nervousness you get when you're going for a job interview, be it for a new place or a promotion, or the nervousness you get when you're about to do a show. That's all well and good, as this is essentially an interview. I'm going to be evaluated on my artistic merit, and to see if I'm good enough to be admitted to the degree program. I feel pretty confident in the images I will be presenting. I will also be bringing copies of the things I've been published in thus far...like the two issues of New England Runner for my work during the annual 15K Stockadeathon.
The other is the bad nervousness, the anxiety and the recollection of my last two adventures in college, and what happened. The worry over money. The reason why I left college. Twice. I couldn't afford it. It was the dollar figure that stopped me dead in my tracks and forced me to go away. Yes, I am only taking TWO courses. Yes, CSEA (Civil Service Employees' Association, the labor union I am a part of due to being a State employee) is paying my tuition for these courses, which means I'll have to pay for the fees and textbooks (which, depending on the final cost, can be manageable). Yes, it's not as bad as it could be, certainly not as bad as it was when I was going to school full-time and actually residing there, but the old fear is still there, irrational as it is--the fear that history's going to repeat itself and once more, I'll be forced to leave college for lack of funds. For once, I'd like to go to school and not think about it. So we'll see what happens.
I suspect that tomorrow, I'll be too busy with orientation and the portfolio to think about dollars, so there's that. And once I see that dollar figure go to 0, I can relax.
But in the meantime, wish me luck. I'll let y'all know the outcome.
