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I went to bed at 4:30 AM, after a lot of Paper Mario. I woke up at 2:30 PM.
I guess shedding what seemed like a gallon of tears and having my mental psyche completely obliterated and then reconstructed takes a lot out of you. I hate when I realize how stupid I really was when my own girlfriend has to rip my pride apart then attempt to repair it. I find myself being humbled more frequently this semester, and I've had enough.
I had known for nearly a month that going home because of lack of funds looked like the final choice. So, I attempted to brace myself for the major blow that would ensue. Right. Since that decision was made just after Thanksgiving, I kept feeling bad, and I knew that it was something else bugging me. I don't usually feel like a failure if I can't afford something--just shrug, big deal, I'll work for it, etc. Of course, it'd hurt for a while, but I'd soon get over it. No...something else was bugging me, something was making me feel so much like a complete failure, and during my 2 1/2 hour chat with April, it finally surfaced itself.
I was trying to prove something. I was trying to prove, mostly to my stepfather, that I could in fact, go straight through 4 years of college and graduate strong--instead of going straight to a low-paying job just out of high school and working for the rest of my life. He had doubted me--he didn't think I was going to get past the first semester at New Paltz. With those words in my head, I was determined to prove him wrong, and so I set a high bar for myself. Adding to that, I'm the first one of my family to go to college, so I felt as if I was doing something no one didn't or couldn't. When I told him a couple weeks ago that it looked like I was coming home and taking the semester off, he told me that I should have listened to him and take the year off. In my mind, that registered as an "I told you so," which pissed me off completely. I knew I had made a mistake--don't rub it in my face, don't even fucking think of doing that. When this point of the conversation came up with April, an entire notebook got slashed to shreds with my knife and hands, a floppy disk got crushed, and a couple of Coke cans got ripped apart. And more tears ensued. So, when I told my parents that I'm coming home, it was almost like admitting defeat to my stepdad, and I felt a failure.
Finally, I had realized this. And when it all came out last night, I felt so much better. And once again, I ended with a grin on my face.
I have a long, hard road ahead of me. Because I now have been a resident of MA for over a year, I lost my NY residency. So, if I want to get back to NP with in-state tuition and fees owed, I will have to wait a year and a half. So, the original plan of returning to NP next fall? Blown away. I'll end up returning to college in Fall 2006. In addition to living in NY for a year, my parents can't claim me as a dependent on their taxes or I'll get billed out-of-state tuition, and NP will need written proof of emancipation (which has to be notarized). Yay for fuckin' red tape. All this because I'll want to return to NP. Granted, April will have already graduated by this point, but this is what I've chosen. I'm also thousands of dollars in debt, owing MCLA, and my student loans which'll have to start being paid in 6 months. The funny part? After I've paid a good chunk of my student loans, I'll have to take them again. Yay for financial institutions and ripping college students in every conceivable way. I hate red tape.
The road is long and hard, and getting back on my feet will take some time, but with all of you there alongside me, it won't be as bad as I thought.
Some of you will be with me through this whole time. You'll all be at the finish line, waiting for me.
I'm not alone. Not anymore.
I guess shedding what seemed like a gallon of tears and having my mental psyche completely obliterated and then reconstructed takes a lot out of you. I hate when I realize how stupid I really was when my own girlfriend has to rip my pride apart then attempt to repair it. I find myself being humbled more frequently this semester, and I've had enough.
I had known for nearly a month that going home because of lack of funds looked like the final choice. So, I attempted to brace myself for the major blow that would ensue. Right. Since that decision was made just after Thanksgiving, I kept feeling bad, and I knew that it was something else bugging me. I don't usually feel like a failure if I can't afford something--just shrug, big deal, I'll work for it, etc. Of course, it'd hurt for a while, but I'd soon get over it. No...something else was bugging me, something was making me feel so much like a complete failure, and during my 2 1/2 hour chat with April, it finally surfaced itself.
I was trying to prove something. I was trying to prove, mostly to my stepfather, that I could in fact, go straight through 4 years of college and graduate strong--instead of going straight to a low-paying job just out of high school and working for the rest of my life. He had doubted me--he didn't think I was going to get past the first semester at New Paltz. With those words in my head, I was determined to prove him wrong, and so I set a high bar for myself. Adding to that, I'm the first one of my family to go to college, so I felt as if I was doing something no one didn't or couldn't. When I told him a couple weeks ago that it looked like I was coming home and taking the semester off, he told me that I should have listened to him and take the year off. In my mind, that registered as an "I told you so," which pissed me off completely. I knew I had made a mistake--don't rub it in my face, don't even fucking think of doing that. When this point of the conversation came up with April, an entire notebook got slashed to shreds with my knife and hands, a floppy disk got crushed, and a couple of Coke cans got ripped apart. And more tears ensued. So, when I told my parents that I'm coming home, it was almost like admitting defeat to my stepdad, and I felt a failure.
Finally, I had realized this. And when it all came out last night, I felt so much better. And once again, I ended with a grin on my face.
I have a long, hard road ahead of me. Because I now have been a resident of MA for over a year, I lost my NY residency. So, if I want to get back to NP with in-state tuition and fees owed, I will have to wait a year and a half. So, the original plan of returning to NP next fall? Blown away. I'll end up returning to college in Fall 2006. In addition to living in NY for a year, my parents can't claim me as a dependent on their taxes or I'll get billed out-of-state tuition, and NP will need written proof of emancipation (which has to be notarized). Yay for fuckin' red tape. All this because I'll want to return to NP. Granted, April will have already graduated by this point, but this is what I've chosen. I'm also thousands of dollars in debt, owing MCLA, and my student loans which'll have to start being paid in 6 months. The funny part? After I've paid a good chunk of my student loans, I'll have to take them again. Yay for financial institutions and ripping college students in every conceivable way. I hate red tape.
The road is long and hard, and getting back on my feet will take some time, but with all of you there alongside me, it won't be as bad as I thought.
Some of you will be with me through this whole time. You'll all be at the finish line, waiting for me.
I'm not alone. Not anymore.
