Follow-up, clarifications, and apologies.

I see my last cryptic and altogether obscure LJ worried quite a number of you, and I do apologize. Now, let me explain the reasonings and logic of it.

I've been noticing a lot lately among LJs, IMs, and my own interactions with my friends here the amount of dialogue that gets spoken about my friends' significant others. Now, I'm not downing the importance and happiness of these chats. I find them quite important, because happiness is all that matters. However, my mind got to thinking about the fact that most of these couples I know personally, and I also know that the couples live in close proximity with each other and spend as much time as they want/can with each other.

I can't do that. I'm 300 miles away from April. I can't be mushy and loving physically when I want to. And I didn't realize how much I missed her until last night, when I cried myself to sleep.

The long and the short of it...I'm jealous. Jealous of the fact that said couples have the ability to spend all the time they want together, and we're hundreds of miles apart. Jealous of the fact that said couples can and do see each other daily or nearly daily, and I haven't seen her face in over a month.

The hindsight that I mentioned in the last LJ was in reference to the people I unintentionally made feel jealous/sad/depressed when I kept mentioning how giddy, happy, and so much in love with April, the people I unintentionally made feel depressed because they themselves are either enduring what we are now and miss their love, the people I made feel depressed because they themselves long and desire for someone to hold and love, and I kept blabbering about how happy and joyful I was. And it came to be last night that I felt the same way. And to all of you of which I unintentionally depressed, I'm sorry.

This isn't to say that I want to rob or hinder anyone's happiness...that's definitely not what I want to do.

Basically, I just really, really miss my April, and all the happiness of others (which I'm not denying anyone of AT ALL, because it's a very GOOD thing) just made me think about how muchI miss her and can't physically be there for her always. I don't care whether it's 300 miles or 3000 miles...the strain is still there. Distance is distance is distance.

So, to all of you who worried about me...thanks. I'm sorry to have worried all of you.

I feel better.

(no subject)

Now I know what it feels like...

Hindsight is a cruel teacher indeed.

Coke-inated Coke.

No update last night, since the net was out. But yesterday's day off was productive--all objectives were accomplished, and I did my taxes. Haven't filed yet, but after doing all the math correctly, I'm getting every penny of it back. Means $600 is coming back my way, and I'm amazed.

Anyway, today was quite busy at work, as expected. I carried out many TVs, and even sold a phone or two today. Ahh, all for tomorrow's "big game." Personally, I could care less about it...I prefer baseball over American Sumo Wrestling any day. Because it was so busy, made the day go very quick, which I like. Spent my break talking about sex and all the various oodles of fun that contains while having dinner with Michelle and Kat. Came back, hoped to talk to April, didn't catch her, so I thought I'd catch her tomorrow...then she came online (squee!). Talked to her for a bit, as also the other fun friends, and did my VGV updating.

My stepdad gave me another one of his little chats about money today, starting off with me saying that I did what he asked--drew up a budget utilizing my income and all the places where it's gonna go over the month. I did get a kick out of his few lines about knowing that I'm saving for an apartment, what he calls this "wonderful scheme" of mine. While it's "sweet," he says, and while saving for the future is good, I also must keep in mind that needs have to be met in the present, and that my dream will have to be put on hold so I can help support the house. For example, if food shopping for the whole house needs to be done, I will be expected to foot the bill at times. If I want to keep at my current rate, my current plan and budget (which I am), he implied getting a second job, to which I thought--nope. Something about working a 80 hour week just doesn't appeal to me. I work 45 as it is. But the line that nearly made me laugh--"you can't ride on people's backs. You can't let people suffer for your future." Well, he's making me suffer for mine. So I took that conversation with a grain of salt, and didn't let that mull around in my head while working. As it currently stands in my budget, I'll probably be able to pay no more than $25 a week to the house. Granted, this'll leave me with barely any pocket money by the end of the month, but what more can I do? No way will I be allowed to live here for free. And I already know Bob's gonna take issue with $25 a week. He did last summer when I showed resistance from giving him $200+ out of each paycheck. I wanted to give him less, he got all guilt-trippy and starting pulling out the Jew references on me.

But you know what? Fuck that. I'm trying to build a life, and I'm suffering for it. All my hard work, all April's hard work, will not go unrewarded. $25 a week is reasonable, and I'm sorry...I refuse to let Bob break my bank accounts. I'm not draining them for a person who is not wise with money.

Now that you all must have heard this a billion times and am getting sick of it...I'll end rant here.

On a happier note, the plans to see the new Phantom movie with Cilla have progressed--it now looks like we'll be seeing it on the 15th, when we both have a day off. Again, Kleenex will be needed. I know I'll use them.

And I'm off tomorrow, which means that more RE4 and maybe some Music Generator. I'm also kind of hoping we do have that money talk with Bob, since everyone is off tomorrow.

Nighty night, all.