With new auto-hole formatting!
Thursday, 5 October 2006 19:14![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
a_bit_of_wit_2
In the news, something rather unexpected happened--I got a check from Wal-Mart. Apparently, they auto-enroll associates into their profit sharing/401k plan after they've worked there for x amount of time. Since I left, and wasn't really there long enough to have Wal-Mart vest a lot of money on my behalf, they put 300 and change into a specified account for me that would keep growing (as long as I continued to work there) until I retired. Because I was there for so little, they cashed out whatever money they put in minus half or so. Regardless, I got a check for $144 that I didn't have to work for. Hey, $144 is $144. Free money? Yeah, I'll take it. I wish I could open my mailbox and find random money there all the time.
April got her first sale from her delicious baking--someone in the office wanted THE CHOCOLATE CAKE. I've got a hard-on just thinking about it. It's chocolate cake made from scratch. So not-healthy for you, but SOOO fuckin' good. The link to her price list is a post or two down. But yes, April made her first sale...and none of you have purchased anything from Mad Squirrel Stuff. The banner is above, so CLICKY!
It's been a while since I had a good rant and/or chuckle about the general public (i.e., customers). However, a few days ago, I had two experiences that can be classified as real gems. The first involves our own federal employees--postal workers. I needed some voter registration forms so that I could move my voter registration from Cape Cod to here; April also needed to move her registration. There's a post office near the Lottery, so here we are. That's the scene.
SCENE 1: The Schenectady Post Office, Tuesday, October 3rd, around 3:15 PM.
THE PLAYERS: BRIAN, a NY Lottery peon and avid video gamer. POST OFFICE CLERK 1, female, has tye-dye colored hair. POST OFFICE CLERK 2, female, not-so tye-dye colored hair.
ACTION: BRIAN needs voter registration forms at the post office. He is standing in line, waiting for the next available clerk. We proceed.
POST OFFICE CLERK 1: (after grumbling to another CLERK about how they're not going to get an afternoon break because it was busy) Next!
BRIAN: Hi, how're you doing?
CLERK 1: Good.
BRIAN: Can I get some voter registration forms?
CLERK 1: Are they out in the lobby?
BRIAN: Nope, checked.
CLERK 1: Ok. (goes to check a stack of separated forms next to her, thumbs through, pulls out some voter registration forms) Here you go.
BRIAN: Thanks, have a good one. (exit stage right)
(Action: as BRIAN walks back toward the Lottery, it begins to lightly rain. As he nears Proctor's Theatre, he checks the voter registration forms, front and back, and realizes: )
BRIAN: (thinks) They're in Spanish. (audible chuckle, turns around, heads back toward the post office)
Back at the post office:
POST OFFICE CLERK 2: Can I help the next in line?
BRIAN: (walks up) Hi there. I was just in here a few minutes ago to get some voter registration forms...and the clerk next to you gave me the Spanish-language forms.
CLERK 2: (draws a confused look) We have Spanish voter registration forms?
BRIAN: (chuckles) I'm holding them in my hand. I'm assuming you do. (thinks) Unless Spanish is the new English.
CLERK: (goes to a stack of separated forms, thumbs through, finds the correct forms) Here you go. Sorry about that. (takes the Spanish forms from my hand)
BRIAN: (checks to make sure they're in English and not Nadsat or Russian) Thanks. (exits)
I don't know. Maybe she was a newbie, but I was horribly amused. This next one is even better. And yes, this is 100% real.
SCENE 2: New York Lottery, Prize Payments unit, about 15 minutes later after the scene above. The peons are opening mail sent in by customers, be it tickets to validate, correspondence, whatever. BRIAN opens a piece of mail, and in it is correspondence by a customer who gives his 11 Theses on how to improve the NY Lottery. NOTE: Each of the 11 Theses will be written in bold. Following each, my commentary will be written in italics. The boldface type is what the customer actually wrote. I'm not correcting his grammar or spelling--except for one instance: the letter was written in all caps. I just can't do that.
THE PLAYERS: BRIAN, the same aforementioned person; R.D., the customer's initials, rather than use his full real name.
ACTION: BRIAN is opening mail, and finds 3 sheets of paper containing written correspondence from R.D. He reads the letter.
LETTER: Dear Sirs: I love this. We get this a lot. Many customers think that ONLY males work at the Lottery. Yet in my own office, the females outweigh the males immensely.
I have some ideas to improve the New York Lottery:
1. Replace ball machines with a computer that picks and displays numbers. We already have 1 game like that, it's called Quick Draw. Besides, do you know how much that would cost to set up? You still need to air the live drawings on TV. The chances of any set of numbers coming up via ball machines or computer are the same anyway. What happens if the computer system fails? Or you have the blue screen of death during the drawing?
2. Include the Powerball lottery game and selling Powerball tickets statewide. Wrong again, bucko! National lottery laws make it so that each state can participate in ONE, and only ONE multi-state game. New York has Mega Millions. Others who don't have Mega Millions have Powerball. Are you too lazy to drive to Connecticut?
3. Allow green ink, red ink, and magic marker ink to be used and accepted. Note: he's talking about the playcards you fill out at convenient stores when you play a lotto game. You fill in numbers using a pencil, machine reads it, gives you a ticket with your numbers on it. Aww. Pencils are inconvenient? Do you know how much it would cost to configure EVERY lottery terminal in NY (and there are tens of thousands of these terminals all over) so that they could read various colors of pen and marker ink? Damn, you're lazy.
4. Allow stores, newspaer stands and other businesses to sell New Jersey and Pennsylvania lottery games. No, sir. That's illegal. Again, you're lazy. Don't wanna drive out of NY so you can play other states' lottery games? Tough shit.
5. Start a new lottery game called "pick 6." Pick 6 numbers and win jackpot. 6 numbers from 1 to 45. Um, sir, if you're such an avid lottery player, you will notice that we already have the exact game you're describing, but the number field goes from 1 to 59. IT'S CALLED LOTTO! I know that reducing the field gives you a better chance to win, but not by much. DUH!
6. Replace $1000/wk for life and $2000/wk for life scratch offs with $20,000/wk/for life and $100,000/wk for life scratch offs. Sure, sir. While we're at it, let's just go to $1,000,000 a week for life! WHY NOT! The Lottery has an ENDLESS supply of money from stupid idiots like you who spend it on games that have a bajillion to one odds against you! A novel idea! What happens when you have that? No money left over for the Lottery peons who WORK in the damn agency!
7. Abolish all $1 scratch offs. Sure. Let's cut off one of our bigger customer bases who play those because YOU don't want the little piddling prizes they offer. Let only the rich slobs play the games, why not? I could use a bigger cut of your income. What about the poor sap who's using their own welfare money to play these $1 tickets that you describe as utterly abhorrent? The Lottery is supposed to offer a low-cost form of gambling. I don't think the Lottery wants to lose one of its bigger customer bases.
8. Allow zeroes to be used in all New York Lottery games and in Mega Millions. What the hell? I don't think I understand this one--he wants us to use the digit 0 as part of the play field for these lotto games. I think that's what he's trying to say. And besides, Mega Millions is a 12-state game. So, no.
9. Increase Pick 10 numbers from 80 to 99.Wow. You contradict yourself, you idiot. First you ask us above to reduce our playing field for Lotto from 59 to 45, now you're asking us to INCREASE the field for the Pick 10 game? You DO realize that increasing the field would only DECREASE your already pathetic odds of winning--no, apparently you don't realize.
10. Show all drawings on all NY PBS stations. Why would PBS be interested in gambling? I don't think the people who support PBS would like that, including PBS itself. There are already several ways to get the drawing numbers as it is--check your listings for what station the drawings are on, check the Lottery web site, or check your damn newspaper every morning.
11. Start another Lottery game called "Pick 7." Pick 7 numbers from 1 to 70. Please consider my ideas, if possible, thank you. Sincerely, R.D. Sure! Let's take that idea and make a Pick 8! 13! 20! Wait--already have a pick 20, called Quick Draw--30! The possibilities are ENDLESS! How would THAT improve the Lottery? The more numbers, the less the odds are in your favor. Therefore, with most of these 11 Theses, all I see are ways to make the odds even MORE against you than they already are! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
BRIAN: (laughs very much out loud, reads the letter aloud to those around him, makes photocopies and distributes them. The letter has to get forwarded to the PR guys, so he sticks a Post-It on it and sends it on its way)
--END--
I await your feedback.
